Five Go Parenting


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786482290
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 4441

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront possibly their toughest challenge yet: parenthood Bringing up a baby would surely be kid's play for The Five. How hard could it possibly be?! When the doorbell rings one Saturday afternoon, the last thing the Five were expecting to find on their doorstep was a baby... But the Five are next of kin to Cousin Rupert and his wife, so when they find themselves in a spot of bother and are destined for a short spell behind bars, Anne, Dick, George and Anne are the first port of call. First, it's the fear and the tiredness that kicks in. They are terrified at being responsible for this new life and have no idea they're doing it right. Why is it crying? They use Dr Google constantly, who whatever the situation offers the same range of advice from 'don't worry about it' to 'rush her to the A&E'. 'Why is she crying?' they constantly ask. 'Why?' It keeps them up all night every night, until they are reduced to walking ghosts, haunted by a numb and impotent fury. Is this an adventure too far for our Five?

Five Go Gluten-Free


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: N.A
ISBN: 9781786482228
Category: Diet therapy
Page: 112
View: 9885

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront a new challenge: is it possible to get a good gluten-free cream tea? Julian, Anne, Dick, George and Timmy are all feeling really rather rum, and it's been going on for days. Nothing seems to work, and with their doctors mystified, they're driven to trying out various expedients to cure themselves. Julian goes online to self-diagnose that he's got pancreatic cancer, bird flu and Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. Anne decides that the old methods are the best and decides to have herself exorcised - which proves to be an awful lot of bother for everyone, and such a mess. Dick goes to a witch-doctor who calls himself a 'homeopath' ('sounds only one short of sociopath, Dick!') but it's George who discovers they need to go on an exclusion diet, so they enter a world of hard-to-find, maddeningly expensive specialist foods . . . Just perfect for anyone who likes Deliciously Ella, Amelia Freer and the Naturalista - as well as any reluctant partners who are begrudgingly spiralising courgettes for dinner.

Five Give Up the Booze


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Quercus Publishing
ISBN: 1786482274
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 867

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront a new challenge: give up the booze. Give up alcohol you say? Why, of course they can! Talk about an easy challenge! Five old friends set about this simple task and find all of a sudden that: the days are longer; they get to see each other for who they really are; the empty laughter of ordinary conversation is so much harder to fake. Yes, they're saving money and losing weight, but the world itself seems to take on a slow, dreary inevitability. Soon they begin to snap at each other, and then fight - until they begin to wonder, have the Five at last found the challenge that will defeat them? The perfect gift for anyone who has woken up and promised themselves that they will never drink again. Or at least until next weekend.

Five Go On A Strategy Away Day


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786482258
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 9957

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront a new challenge: what exactly is this puzzling scrape referred to as a 'strategy away day'? The Five have gone on their greatest adventure yet - to become an even better team! They are booked into an exciting hotel right next to the jolly motorway services, where the nice (if somewhat nervous and sweating and depressed) man teaches them a number of exercises that will make them work better. But wait! Who's been sneaking messages through the hotel dumb waiter about secret assignations? Is there a smuggler's plot afoot? Or is Shelly from Production shagging Postroom Luke? All will be revealed . . . Ideal for those who are allergic to corporate jargon and will throw a sickie before having to play a trust game with colleagues.

Five on Brexit Island


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786483858
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 1908

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It is the night of the referendum and the Five have retired to Kirrin Island to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine, fed up with the rancour of public debate. George is firmly a 'remainer,' whilst Julian, who is in the 'Brexit' camp, is tolerated on the grounds that Anne cannot bear to go camping without him. (Timmy, largely apolitical but not keen on cats or rabbits, joins them too.) The night is tempestuous in more ways than one. George has managed to rig up a satellite link with the mainland so they can keep abreast of the news, and they sit huddled around the fire, amidst some tension, as George's initial hope that the 'remainers' will triumph proves premature . . . Meanwhile, a violent storm whips up. The damage is apparent as the new day dawns and George declares a new meaning for Brexit: Kirrin Island is exiting Britain. . . . that is until the red tape becomes too much of a challenge and their happy life together is under threat.

Five Get Gran Online


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Quercus Publishing
ISBN: 1786484722
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 8487

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'What operating system does your PC run on?' 'Electricity,' said Gran. From the author of Number One Christmas bestseller, Five on Brexit Island, join the Five in their next hilarious adventure in this bestselling series for grown-ups! The Five go north to see their grandmother who is alone over the Easter weekend. They're shocked to find it's been so long that they don't recognise her at all. While they're there, they try to help her with her computer. They try first to fix her iTunes account, and then her internet banking - after all it's the least they can do! However everything they touch turns to dust. They end up getting her cut off from the internet, the gas and the electricity, and reduced to a World War II-style privations - that is until the toddler from next door comes in and fixes everything. They return home somewhat with their tails between their legs, only to discover that with their help Gran has learned to make videos, and has become an internet sensation.

Five Get On the Property Ladder


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786484765
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 549

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy turn their attention to finding a property they can call their very own. Join the Five as they struggle to get their feet (and paws) on the first rung of the property ladder. Luckily cousin Rupert is on hand to help. But not before they've had some very exciting adventures. Who knew that it was all going to be so difficult?

Five Forget Mother's Day


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786486873
Category: Humor
Page: 112
View: 7149

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy are keen to show Aunt Fanny how much she means to them. Join Julian, George, Dick, Anne and Timmy the dog as they try to celebrate Mother's Day with Aunt Fanny. George has past form in forgetting - not least her mum's birthday and Christmas presents - so tensions are running high even for the charged normality of their mother/daughter bond. But things go from bad to worse when Fanny comes to stay, with relations strained almost to breaking point. Can the Five save the day, and will Uncle Quentin get involved?

Five Go Bump in the Night


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786484781
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 4943

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy go camping in the deep dark woods. Sleep does not come easily, so they have the brilliant idea of telling each other spooky stories. Join the Five as they scare themselves witless recounting tales that would terrify the bravest of souls. From encounters with American werewolves and being lost in space, to ghostly graveyard apparitions, it is hardly surprising that there is a sleepless night ahead of the intrepid crew. Even grumpy old Uncle Quentin and kind Aunt Fanny cannot be relied upon to be entirely themselves . . .

Five Lose Dad in the Garden Centre


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786487543
Category: Humor
Page: 112
View: 4823

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy are keen to show Uncle Quentin what a jolly good chap he is. Join Julian, George, Dick, Anne and Timmy the dog as they celebrate Father's Day by taking Uncle Quentin to the local garden centre to chose a new garden shed in which to conduct his experiments. But what promised to be a relaxed outing turns into a nightmare when Quentin disappears into thin air. He surely cannot have gone far . . .

Five at the Office Christmas Party


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: N.A
ISBN: 9781786487674
Category: Humor
Page: 112
View: 6376

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Everyone tensed and leaned forward, wondering who this new arrival could be. A stripper? Surely not. A music act? Please no.' From the author of Number One Christmas bestseller, Five on Brexit Island, join the Five in their next hilarious adventure in this bestselling series for grown-ups! The Five set out to give the best office Christmas party ever, in the most traditional of fashions. But on no budget at all. Will they succeed, and make everyone happy? Or will all the emergency services be called before the night is out?

Five Go Down Under


Author: Sophie Hamley
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1787471918
Category: Humor
Page: 112
View: 8833

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The Famous Five have gone on their greatest adventure yet - a trip Down Under to Oz for some gap year fun. But will it be the adventure they had hoped for? Setting up camp in Bondi they soon meet the Sydney Six, a couple of guitar-strumming Kiwis and a rogue South African and find themselves in the thick of Sydney's real estate perils and the attempts of their omnipresent uncle Rupert Kirrin to buy up the local media. But when the sun, surf and bluebottles have their revenge and things don't quite go according to plan, it's time to head for the country for a spot of sheep-shearing and quad-bike riding. Will the country be kinder to them or will close calls with the Australian wildlife have them heading back to the city before you can say decaff soy latte?

Five Get Beach Body Ready


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 1786484749
Category: Humor
Page: 96
View: 1059

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Enid Blyton's books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy are keen to hone their physiques ready for the summer holidays. All it will take is a bit of effort and willpower . . . and pulling together as a team. What could possibly stand in their way? True to form, the path to the body beautiful is less straightforward than they hope!

School For Villains


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Pan Macmillan
ISBN: 1447223837
Category: Juvenile Fiction
Page: 256
View: 6654

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I looked again at at the door and saw a message scrawled roughly in the mud of the wall above it, as though someone had used their whole hand to gouge it out: RIDLEY GARNET'S SCHOLE FUR VILLAINS. Everyone's favourite orphan-turned-storyteller Daniel Dorey is back - and heads below Tumblewater on his quest to find his sister. He unwittingly enrols in a very strange school, encountering a host of weird and wonderful characters - including for example Dr Bludger, who attacks corpses with an axe to give his students the opportunity to practise stitching. Other lessons are forgery, lock-picking, knife-wielding and still-life painting (with a twist). Will Daniel and his naughty schoolmates be able to put their grisly lessons into practice and help rescue his sister?

The Secret Diary of Mario Balotelli


Author: Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Sphere
ISBN: 1405516097
Category: Humor
Page: 224
View: 8881

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'He's a total rock 'n' roller. There's a bit of Mario in all of us - well, maybe not Gary Neville - but the rest of us most definitely.' Noel Gallagher He may be football's latest superstar, but Mario Balotelli is just as famous off the pitch for his eccentricity and extraordinary antics. From the time he let off fireworks in his bathroom to the notorious bib incident, he's rarely out of the news. But in his secret diary*, as we follow Mario through one turbulent football season and the trail of mayhem he leaves in his wake, we discover that the headlines only tell half the story. Whether he's hiding Silvio Berlusconi in his basement, patrolling the streets of Manchester as a caped crusader or trying to be the first Premiership footballer to go to the moon, the truth is stranger, and much funnier, than we could have expected. *not the actual diary of Mario Balotelli

Do Ants Have Arseholes?

...and 101 other bloody ridiculous questions
Author: Jon Butler,Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Sphere
ISBN: 0748108513
Category: Humor
Page: 192
View: 3970

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How easy is it to fall off a log? Where is the middle of nowhere? Do we really have no bananas? The readers of OLD GIT magazine are a batty, befuddled, potty-mouthed bunch, who seem to spend a significant chunk of their spare time corresponding with the publication's popular letters page. DO ANTS HAVE ARSEHOLES? is a very funny, very silly collection of questions and answers taken from this column, none of which has any basis whatsoever in fact. A must for all those who relish a heady mixture of shaggy-dog stories, toilet humour and utter lack of insight.

Famous Five

Five Have a Puzzling Time
Author: Enid Blyton,Jamie Littler
Publisher: Hodder Children's Books
ISBN: 9781444916317
Category: Adventure stories
Page: 80
View: 8515

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When George is kept awake in the middle of the night by toothache, she notices a light on the supposedly empty Kirrin Island. While George is at the dentist, Julian, Dick and Anne decide to investigate and strange things start happening ... Can the Famous Five solve this mystery? In addition to the 21 novels in the Famous Five series, Enid Blyton wrote a clutch of short stories based on the characters. These were published in magazines and were collected in the Famous Five Short Story Collection (Hodder). For the first time, the complete text of Five and a Half-Term Adventure appears in an individual volume, illustrated in full colour.

How It Works: The Mum


Author: Jason Hazeley,Joel Morris
Publisher: Penguin UK
ISBN: 071818422X
Category: Humor
Page: 56
View: 8002

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The PERFECT GIFT for Mum would be to let her take the day off while you do everything for her. Why not get her this book instead? ---------------- This is mum. A mum has two very important jobs to do. One is to look after her children. The other is to do everything else as well. ---------------- Now Lyndsay's little boy is at nursery, she is looking for a job. At this interview, the lady asks Lyndsay all sorts of questions, which Lyndsay has trouble answering because she has the Octonauts theme going round her head. Lyndsay hopes she is not singing out loud. ---------------- This delightful book is the latest in the series of Ladybird books which have been specially planned to help grown-ups with the world about them. The large clear script, the careful choice of words, the frequent repetition and the thoughtful matching of text with pictures all enable grown-ups to think they have taught themselves to cope. Featuring original Ladybird artwork alongside brilliantly funny, brand new text. 'Hilarious' Stylist

The Ladybird Book of the Hangover


Author: Jason Hazeley,Joel Morris
Publisher: Penguin UK
ISBN: 1405925701
Category: Humor
Page: 56
View: 8545

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THE PERFECT GIFT for anyone who likes a glass of red. And a double gin. And a vodka shot. And a flaming tequila. And a candy floss caipirinha . . . and a small Bahama Mama. __________________________________ 'A good hangover should be a total mystery to you. How did this happen? Why do you feel so ill? Pretend to yourself that you drank less than you did. Insist you stuck to beer, forgetting the champagne at the start of the evening and the round of jalapeno tequilas you did for a bet in that club next to the dual carriageway at 2am.' __________________________________ 'What a confusing world it can seem with a hangover. Sit as still as you can. Do not attempt to make any decisions. Look out of the window. Can you recognise simple shapes or colours? Is there a moon or a sun in the sky? What sort of a name might you have? Where might there be bacon?' __________________________________ This delightful book is the latest in the series of Ladybird books which have been specially planned to help grown-ups with the world about them. The large clear script, the careful choice of words, the frequent repetition and the thoughtful matching of text with pictures all enable grown-ups to think they have taught themselves to cope. Featuring original Ladybird artwork alongside brilliantly funny, brand new text. 'Hilarious' Stylist Other new titles for Autumn 2017: How it Works: The Brother How it Works: The Sister The Ladybird Book of the Ex The Ladybird Book of the Nerd The Ladybird Book of the New You The Ladybird Book of Balls The Ladybird Book of the Big Night Out The Ladybird Book of the Quiet Night In People at Work: The Rock Star Previous titles in the Ladybirds for Grown Ups series: How it Works: The Husband How it Works: The Wife How it Works: The Mum How it Works: The Dad The Ladybird Book of the Mid-Life Crisis The Ladybird Book of the Hangover The Ladybird Book of Mindfulness The Ladybird Book of the Shed The Ladybird Book of Dating The Ladybird Book of the Hipster How it Works: The Student How it Works: The Cat How it Works: The Dog How it Works: The Grandparent The Ladybird Book of Red Tape The Ladybird Book of the People Next Door The Ladybird Book of the Sickie The Ladybird Book of the Zombie Apocalypse The Ladybird Book of the Do-Gooder

Do Bats Have Bollocks?

And 101 More Utterly Stupid Questions
Author: Jon Butler,Bruno Vincent
Publisher: Sphere
ISBN: 0748111042
Category: Humor
Page: 192
View: 3955

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The letters page of Old Git magazine continues to offer its readers an opportunity to ask and provide answers to the most pressing questions of our times. Questions such as: Would it help global warming if I left my fridge door open? What's the riskiest game of risk ever played? If I fell down a disused mineshaft would Lassie really run and get help, or just sit there licking his balls? Do Bats Have Bollocks? features a host of completely new and untrue questions and answers. With bags more rude jokes, shaggy dog stories and the odd entry from a new, bewildered editor who's wondering what the hell he's got himself into, this book is every bit as laugh-out-loud funny as last year's hugely successful volume Do Ants Have Arseholes?